Gratitude & Giving

Where do I begin?

It has been a long, long time since I have sat down to write. I miss writing dearly. In the moments when inescapable reality sits on my shoulders and I can't stand up, I generally resort to one of the following: ninety minutes of intense, sweat-covered yoga, thoroughly cleaning or crafting to classical music, cooking and baking for loved ones, or writing. There is something therapeutic and calming about these activities. Perhaps it is the fact that I am able to focus on a steady task with a goal, the outcome of which I have total control over. Perhaps it is the freedom that comes with creative whimsy, which exists and flourishes, regardless of perceived financial limitation or excess. I don't know. Perhaps it is the opportunity to invest worried and frenetic energy into a healing gift of nourishment for someone I deeply care about. With writing, it is a chance to lasso the tornado of the mind, the barrage of noise and ricochets of emotion, and to sit calmly in the eye of the storm. And I adore it. It is like seeing an old, old friend for the first time in a long time and simply saying, "ah, there you are." A smile of instant relief and comfort.

It has been over a year since I began writing about my life in Los Angeles, and this time around, things still seem as precarious as ever. But one thing has changed, and that is that I have settled somewhat into my own skin. The need to be perfect has eased over these past months, and I have begun to accept - and even to embrace - the imperfections, the flaws in my body and in my character. It is so nice, so soothing, to look at this industry, and at this world, and to say, "Here I am, this is me; take it, or leave it." The funny thing is that more often than not, you find that people take the imperfect, because it is true, because it is trustworthy.

Let's see where my life is at right now..

I spent the last two months being considered for the part of the Pink Power Ranger, on a show I grew up watching (and even went to the Houston convention for, with my dad and my sister, after she won tickets from a random gas station raffle). I made it through three rounds of auditions, including the producer's session. I wore pink and black, including a pink ranger tee shirt, which I stumbled upon at Hot Topic one day. I kicked and practiced routines in my living room, for my roommates and my boyfriend, who gave me tips and feedback and wished me luck every time I drove to Culver City for the next round. Because this will be the 20th anniversary of the show, and because it is the number one show on Nickelodeon, the producers have pushed back casting until March or April of 2012. It took me two months of waiting and hoping and stressing to find this out. And the lesson was this: you have to live life for the day, for the moment. There are zero guarantees, and it's better that way; you take less for granted.

I spent eight weeks training in spinning and pilates, for an hour or more each day, to find out that the studio was willing to pay hardly anything for instructors. So I am getting certified as a spinning instructor this Saturday to take matters into my own hands. What did I get out of the process? Well, beyond some nicely-toned legs, I learned that you always ask up front, because it's not personal, it's business. I also realized that I don't need a gym or a studio to stay fit. I recorded my own pilates workout, and now myself and one of my best friends do it together at my house, two mornings a week, from 5-6am. I learned that there are multiple doors.

I spent hours each day scouring Craigslist for odd jobs here and there, just to make a little cash to help pay the bills. This led me to an interview with an agency for a permanent fit model position (I did subbing for this last fall and loved it), and I am going to meet with them this week to sign my contract, which will open a whole set of new opportunities. I learned that even in Hollywood, you get out what you put in. For a long time this summer, I was frustrated, because some people come to Los Angeles and never succeed as an actor. Jenna Fisher, who plays Pam on "The Office", talks about how, at some point, you have to realize that you love acting enough to do it without the crazy paycheck, and that is success. The amount of energy you invest in yourself is what you get in return.

With all of these things, I have tried to see the positive. Kaleb has been a help beyond words, and now I have adorable Iggy, as well as a Christmas tree in my living room. Our house is cold, because we can't afford to heat it. But with the combination of the above loveliness, I am able to stay cheerful. This may be the first Christmas that I spend away from my family, yet I have one of the best families around, with dedicated and selfless parents, and incredible, yet silly, siblings, who are my two closest friends in the entire world. So from now until Christmas - 48 days - I am focusing what could become sour energy on something I am grateful for, and considering how good I really have it. I have a feeling that, at 80 years of age, the things I am doing now and the people I am doing them with will stand out in my memory, while the finances and daily struggles will have vanished. I hope I have laugh lines then. That is the thankfulness part. Today, I am thankful for Iggy being healthy again, after a full recovery from Parvo. Atta boy.

The giving part.. hm. I do not have very much to give. But one thing I learned from watching the claymation version of "The Little Drummer Boy", which my mom recorded from tv onto a VHS tape when we were kids, is that a little is a lot to someone. So I will give by posting as often as I can, in the hopes that someone out there actually enjoys reading these little tidbits and thoughts. I will post a healthy recipe or a workout daily, so that I can give my loved ones, friends and family who could use it, the gift of health this holiday season.

"To share a simple kindness could set your heart aflame,
and you'll get more than you'll ever give away."

Boy, if that isn't the truth.