I'm sitting in the back of a cramped Spirit Airlines flight from LAX to Houston, where my parents and sister will meet me at the airport in a few hours. Maybe it's because I'm used to flying with Southwest (where I am a very loyal customer and fan of their terrific customer service, free checked bags, in-flight snacks, and airline attendant optimism), but my shoulders and neck are on fire, screaming with tension and yearning for a good stretch or a workout. With another several hours in front of me, I find myself trying to relax, adjusting the air flow from the dime-sized vent above my head, and thinking.
Why am I so stressed out?
Today, admittedly, has been a less-than-smooth day thus far. I woke up early to pack, jumped in my car to head to a training session, got pulled over (and ticketed) for changing the song on my iPod (while stopped at a red light, I have to add), sat in traffic on the 405, got to the gym for training and had to wait (due to a miscommunication that was no one's fault), crammed in a sweaty backflipping practice session with Cory, took what my friend Cari calls a "Spanish Shower" in the restroom, drove my car to the airport lot, took the shuttle over to the terminal (and felt guilty about not having the foresight to get cash for a tip), checked in for my flight and realized that each piece of baggage - carry-on or checked - would be an additional $45-50, per item, crammed three bags into one and barely slid by the weight limit, got pulled aside and pat down at security, sat down to wait for my flight next to a man who started playing loud music from his phone, boarded the plane (and said a passing "hi" to the two guys filming the documentary, both seated in row two), and made my way back to seat 23E.
Going through all of that isn't a chance for me to wine, or to ask for soothing "there, theres". After all, I am privileged enough to be flying home to work on a documentary about my life, and the people and places I love, and that's pretty surreal. But as someone who is really tough on herself, just doing this mental re-cap of my day thus far lets me realize that, hey, I'm not doing so bad. I haven't had a breakdown yet (although I did see an epic meltdown from an older Asian woman at the gate that had airport security questioning her flying capabilities).
Over the past few weeks, I have found myself increasingly stressed out. I have been putting tremendous pressure on myself to nail this back tuck, which has actually slowed my progress a bit. Yesterday, Gabe had to remind me, "hey, this isn't about you proving you can do it, or getting it perfect. I've seen you do it, and you know you have it. You have to just let this be an experience of trying out something new, of having this fun opportunity to learn a new trick, which you may or may not use in the future." He was totally right. Old habits die hard, and if there's one thing I am continually challenged with and working on, it's the habit of beating myself up for not being perfect, or becoming so intellectually critical of a situation or task that my central processing unit overheats and dies. (Okay, so that last part was a turbo-nerd throwback to my junior year computer programming class, but it was an analogy that came to me and worked.)
Another interesting thing I noticed in the last few weeks? I know this will be a real shocker to the people who know me, but: the impact of my diet on my success. Yes, I know, I preach about this all of the time. But it is also a part of myself that I am highly tuned into, so I notice how what I eat changes my body and mind, in both subtle and dramatic ways.
A few weeks back, when I first got home, I started following a "no sugar" (including fruit) protocol. I had been eating pretty well during the first part of shooting in Vegas, but had enjoyed wine, or gluten-free cookies, or kombucha, or honey in my tea on weekends. I had been feeling great with my super "nut yeast salads", but would always feel just a twinge slower after I had sugar. So I figured I would take out sugar in LA while training. After about five days of no sugar, I found myself feeling much more confident. Not just confident about the way my skin looked or my stomach felt, but more mentally confident, more alert. Last Saturday was the best my backflips had been, I wasn't feeling compelled to be perfect, and I felt like I could take on the world. Then the past few days, I started having little bits of sugar here and there. Some (amazing) chickpea chocolate chip cookies, some plum wine, honey and almond butter on apples - nothing insane, and healthy variations of snacks, compared to most people - but this spiral started again. I began to feel tense, I didn't sleep as well, I started feeling anxiety about silly, unimportant tasks; at the gym, I felt myself retreating into old habits that I had overcome in the past few training sessions. As much as we have some really amazing chemistry and it feels like fireworks when we're together, sugar is that relationship partner who is just sabotaging my world, like the utter narcissist he is.
Now I know there is at least one person reading this post who thinks this is utter nonsense. If you had told me this ten years ago, when I was still eating along the guidelines of the Standard American Diet, I would have laughed out loud. So I debated writing about this, even though it is really interesting to me. Then, as I was flipping through one of the magazines I brought on the plane (as travel is usually when I finally get a chance to catch up on my stacks of literary materials), I read this article that convinced me I might just be onto something.
"Max Goldberg [..] struggled with depression for years. After 11 years of taking the antidepressant Prozac, he tapered off use of the pills in 2001 [and] he resisted his parents' pleas to resume medication while spiraling into a very deep, unsteady and lingering depression. Over the next few months, he lost his job, his savings and his girlfriend, and ended up living back at home with his parents. He had already embarked on a path to better health, eschewing cigarettes and alcohol, and eating organic and more nutritious foods. [..] Even so, it took more than four years for him to connect the dots between the foods he ate and the terrible bouts of depression he experienced. 'I realized that I would eat these cookies, and they would send me into a massive depression,' Max says. 'For me, sugar was just devastating.' Once he realized the effect it was having on his moods, he quit eating refined sugar and hasn't touched it for 10 years. He began learning how food affects mood and brain function - something he now works to educate others about - and says it is crucial to those who really want to experience a happy life."
(Article entitled "Dine Happy!: If you are what you eat, you might as well eat happy foods!", by Paula Felps.)
"Food affects mood and brain function." That is huge! It's not even that certain foods can give you acne, or cellulite, or bags under your eyes - but foods can change the way your brain works. That is both tremendously daunting, as well as incredibly inspiring, because each of us has the ultimate control in changing our own mental and emotional wellbeing, through the foods we choose to eat. It is a choice, and it is equally hard for everyone. Maybe sugar doesn't have this effect on everyone. But I would bet each of us has foods which, if we payed close enough attention, we would recognize as health saboteurs. I have a lovely friend from college who had been diagnosed with severe depression as a teenager. She was staunchly against the idea of popping pills (as am I), and asked her doctor, "are there any natural alternatives to fight depression?" He gave her a good long look and said, "it doesn't work for everyone, but try cutting out meat." She cut out meat, has been depression-free (and I might add, radiant!) ever since, and stays away from meat to this day. For her, it was meat. For me, it's sugar. I just have to wonder what our homes, our offices, our trips to the grocery store or our vacations would look like, if we all took a step back to say, "what does the food I consume do to me on a mental and emotional level?"
I have gone hard-core off of all refined sugar before, twice. Both times, after a month without sugar, I felt calmer, more sure of myself, and just downright happier. Have I tried this before and ended up going back to my old love affair with sugar? Yes. Is it hard as hell for me to ignore that 10pm craving for all things chocolate? You bet your bottom dollar. But, like I tell my fitness clients, "the exercises you hate doing are the ones you need the most." It's not just a rule that applies to the physical world; the exercises of the spiritual world, of the willpower world, are the foundations of character. It's like this saying that's on one of the walls at the Tempest gym: "that which resists persists." If I don't face something difficult, then it defeats me, and I am not going to let my mood and my general happiness be dictated by substance. Sugar is an addictive drug, which fueled the beginning of the slave trade hundreds of years ago, and which the USDA profits greatly from today. So if I don't believe in people relying on substances to get them through life, and if I want to enjoy the life I know I deserve, it's time to kiss this problem boyfriend to the curb for good.
I know I will enjoy a cool, bubblegum-flavored sno-cone this Sunday, at the place my friends and I used to go after high school for a treat, for the documentary. I will enjoy the heck out of that experience, and then I will say a bittersweet sayonara to refined sugar, at least until filming is wrapped. Then, I will reevaluate, and hopefully feel it is a good choice for me. Do I want to feel deprived when friends have a night out? Of course not. But if I can have a piece of fruit while they have their cake, then I know I won't feel deprived all the other hours of my day. We give ourselves the quality of life we feel we deserve, through awareness, action, grit, and patience. I am going to go follow Thoreau's advice, and live the life I have imagined.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
MC2: Day 24 - The Other Side of the Table
It's technically the end of day 27, although I want to write about my experiences predominantly from a few days ago, so allow yourself to be drawn back in time.
The past week, I have been back in LA, although not for downtime and relaxation. A good deal of work has gone on. I have been driving down to the South Bay (about 45 minutes each way) to work on gymnastics with Gabe, which - I am proud to say - has built up to me now being able to do a backflip or back tuck on my own. The next step is to combine this with running up a wall. I am leaving on Thursday to shoot the last part of a documentary I am in. We will be shooting my life/friends/family back in the Houston area, so I am hoping to find some time to go to open gyms or martial arts classes in H-Town.
Outside of training, I have also been busy on other fronts: calling and emailing potential voiceover agents and sending along my demo, going to meetings with reps and with casting directors, talking about a potential voiceover gig with a startup company, setting up an acting coaching session with the friend of a friend, browsing for a new apartment (with room for a training studio/office and a voiceover booth, aka recording closet), getting custom orthotics and new KT tape (to deal with shin splints and knee funkiness), sneaking in yoga and barre classes when I can, catching up on "House of Cards" and "Game of Thrones", and starting to think about research for my next project.
I can't say too much about it just yet, but after a taped audition, an in-person audition, two rounds of callbacks, and two one-on-one meetings with the writer/director, it is highly likely that I will be the lead in an independent feature, where I will play a professional MMA fighter. So likely, in fact, that we are talking dates, money, et cetera. I don't like to count anything in this industry as final until I have signed the paperwork, but this one is looking very promising, and also very exciting. Yesterday, I spent six hours reading with potential supporting actors for the project and chatting with the director.
It was beyond bizarre to find myself seated on the "other side" of the (quite literal) casting table. It was liberating as a reader, and interesting as an actor, to observe these individuals as they came in, not to mention the habits and behaviors of the director and camera operator. Some key things which casting directors have said to me in the past really started to make sense.
Actors, listen up. Most of these you have probably heard before, but as an actor who has "gone to the other side and come back (unscathed!)", I am truly on your side, and these are important jewels to know about auditions.
From the casting director's seat:
1. We want to meet YOU (not your idea of who we are looking for). We don't even know what we are looking for. In the past, I have sometimes gone into an audition trying to be what I think the CD wants to see. While you should be aware of your position within the scene (in terms of your relationships, purpose, obstacles..), you should also trust your instincts, in terms of the choices you make. During one of my callbacks, when I was acting, the other actress turned away from me (ignoring me), and I grabbed her chin and forced her to turn back and look at me. While you should check with other actors to see if they are okay with being man-handled before hand, this simple instinctual choice stood out to the writer and director. Trust the way you have painted the character, and respond truthfully in the moment. Nothing truthful is wrong. At one point, one of the actresses did a really nice read, and although it had not been the way the director necessarily saw that scene going, it made him rethink it and changed his mind about a few things. So trust yourself.
2. Your cell phone going off is only going to ruin your audition if you let it; we will forgive just about anything, just stay in the moment! Another actress was in the middle of a second take, and doing a really solid job, when her phone started to ring inside of her purse. She kept on doing the scene, thank goodness, because it was her best take! If something happens - even if it is embarrassing and your actor mind is telling you the casting people now hate you for life - just keep acting! None of us cared about the stupid cell phone, and it happens to everyone. If you worked in an office building and your phone went off in a meeting, would they fire you? No. Just do your job.
3. Trying to win us over with how cool you are is not going to work (especially if you call half the people in the room by the wrong name), even if you are the best at chair slumping in all the kingdom of Los Angeles. One actor came in, dressed nicely and with pearly white teeth, and proceeded to play Mister Cool for the duration of his audition. By this, I mean that he acted more like he was casually talking to some chicks at a bar, rather than attending a job interview. Even if you know the people in the audition room, keep it professional (yes, you can do this and be friendly at the same time). If you only have a few pages of lines, and you've had the material for a week, there's really no excuse for not knowing the scene (or the name of the lead character).
4. Humility, excitement about a script, and clearly being prepared (off-book and present) will get our attention and make us remember you, even if you don't book this role. This is a great place to move from point three, as the next actor who walked in - and whom you might recognize from some big movies - was completely professional. He was dressed in nice jeans and a simple white t-shirt, with clean hair and sneakers, and a smile. You could feel that he as genuinely excited about the material from the moment he walked in, and so it rang true when he told us how happy he was to be reading for the part. He was courteous, offered us variety in choices without going over the top, and thanked each one of us individually before exiting. Even if this actor doesn't end up booking this role - because he's a half inch too short or too tall, he's the wrong hair color, or he's just a different emotional color than the director sees as a good balance with the other actors in the scene - he will be remembered.
5. If you get a chance to do a second take, make it totally different (but not devoid of energy). Own it! A second take is your chance to wow us with your ability to change direction or levels on the drop of a dime. One actress did the scene - as though she was incredibly bored or had just smoked a bowl - and was then offered the chance to do a second take, at which point she said she would try taking it to the other end of the spectrum. We were excited, thinking we might be able to draw out something a little deeper. And then she did the scene the exact same way (save one bipolar moment of screaming, which was terrifying for those of us behind the table). A second take - especially if the auditions are running behind - is a gift. Use it to leave an impression, and own your time in the room.
6. Wear something nice, but comfortable. I don't want to be more focused on your cute shoes (or by the same token, distracted by your old jeans and worn-out tank top) than I am on your performance. Enough said on this one.
7. If you show up late and expect to be seen in ten minutes (before you need to leave for acting class or whatever), it's not cool to check how long we have the room reserved for and show up again ten minutes before we are supposed to be done. After seeing many actors and actresses, and dismissing our camera operator, the director and I were chatting about some things and getting ready to head home (for some much-needed food), an actress showed up - almost four hours after her scheduled time - to audition for us. So. Not. Cool. Unless you check with casting for a specific project, don't plan on doing this, unless you are Meryl Streep and can 100% blow us away. By that late in the day, and without the proper equipment, her audition became an inconvenience (and a chance for her to complain about also being late to acting class.. er.. ), and that's not how you want to be remembered.
8. For Pete's sake, don't run out of the audition room after you finish, like you have a train to catch or a level five disease just broke out. I would say about half of the actors we saw did this. Now, I know there is a stigma about reaching out to shake hands with the casting people, but at least square your body toward them to say thank you. Angling your body toward the door and just turning your head to say a quick and nervous "thank you" comes off as more of an apology, when you have nothing to be sorry for. If you stay facing the casting team, you can gauge whether or not they want to shake hands (which we did). Plant, smile, and say "thank you."
Hopefully, these will be a good reminder for me when I find myself back in audition situations in July and beyond. And if they can help other actors, even better. There is enough room for all of us, after all.
The past week, I have been back in LA, although not for downtime and relaxation. A good deal of work has gone on. I have been driving down to the South Bay (about 45 minutes each way) to work on gymnastics with Gabe, which - I am proud to say - has built up to me now being able to do a backflip or back tuck on my own. The next step is to combine this with running up a wall. I am leaving on Thursday to shoot the last part of a documentary I am in. We will be shooting my life/friends/family back in the Houston area, so I am hoping to find some time to go to open gyms or martial arts classes in H-Town.
Outside of training, I have also been busy on other fronts: calling and emailing potential voiceover agents and sending along my demo, going to meetings with reps and with casting directors, talking about a potential voiceover gig with a startup company, setting up an acting coaching session with the friend of a friend, browsing for a new apartment (with room for a training studio/office and a voiceover booth, aka recording closet), getting custom orthotics and new KT tape (to deal with shin splints and knee funkiness), sneaking in yoga and barre classes when I can, catching up on "House of Cards" and "Game of Thrones", and starting to think about research for my next project.
I can't say too much about it just yet, but after a taped audition, an in-person audition, two rounds of callbacks, and two one-on-one meetings with the writer/director, it is highly likely that I will be the lead in an independent feature, where I will play a professional MMA fighter. So likely, in fact, that we are talking dates, money, et cetera. I don't like to count anything in this industry as final until I have signed the paperwork, but this one is looking very promising, and also very exciting. Yesterday, I spent six hours reading with potential supporting actors for the project and chatting with the director.
It was beyond bizarre to find myself seated on the "other side" of the (quite literal) casting table. It was liberating as a reader, and interesting as an actor, to observe these individuals as they came in, not to mention the habits and behaviors of the director and camera operator. Some key things which casting directors have said to me in the past really started to make sense.
Actors, listen up. Most of these you have probably heard before, but as an actor who has "gone to the other side and come back (unscathed!)", I am truly on your side, and these are important jewels to know about auditions.
From the casting director's seat:
1. We want to meet YOU (not your idea of who we are looking for). We don't even know what we are looking for. In the past, I have sometimes gone into an audition trying to be what I think the CD wants to see. While you should be aware of your position within the scene (in terms of your relationships, purpose, obstacles..), you should also trust your instincts, in terms of the choices you make. During one of my callbacks, when I was acting, the other actress turned away from me (ignoring me), and I grabbed her chin and forced her to turn back and look at me. While you should check with other actors to see if they are okay with being man-handled before hand, this simple instinctual choice stood out to the writer and director. Trust the way you have painted the character, and respond truthfully in the moment. Nothing truthful is wrong. At one point, one of the actresses did a really nice read, and although it had not been the way the director necessarily saw that scene going, it made him rethink it and changed his mind about a few things. So trust yourself.
2. Your cell phone going off is only going to ruin your audition if you let it; we will forgive just about anything, just stay in the moment! Another actress was in the middle of a second take, and doing a really solid job, when her phone started to ring inside of her purse. She kept on doing the scene, thank goodness, because it was her best take! If something happens - even if it is embarrassing and your actor mind is telling you the casting people now hate you for life - just keep acting! None of us cared about the stupid cell phone, and it happens to everyone. If you worked in an office building and your phone went off in a meeting, would they fire you? No. Just do your job.
3. Trying to win us over with how cool you are is not going to work (especially if you call half the people in the room by the wrong name), even if you are the best at chair slumping in all the kingdom of Los Angeles. One actor came in, dressed nicely and with pearly white teeth, and proceeded to play Mister Cool for the duration of his audition. By this, I mean that he acted more like he was casually talking to some chicks at a bar, rather than attending a job interview. Even if you know the people in the audition room, keep it professional (yes, you can do this and be friendly at the same time). If you only have a few pages of lines, and you've had the material for a week, there's really no excuse for not knowing the scene (or the name of the lead character).
4. Humility, excitement about a script, and clearly being prepared (off-book and present) will get our attention and make us remember you, even if you don't book this role. This is a great place to move from point three, as the next actor who walked in - and whom you might recognize from some big movies - was completely professional. He was dressed in nice jeans and a simple white t-shirt, with clean hair and sneakers, and a smile. You could feel that he as genuinely excited about the material from the moment he walked in, and so it rang true when he told us how happy he was to be reading for the part. He was courteous, offered us variety in choices without going over the top, and thanked each one of us individually before exiting. Even if this actor doesn't end up booking this role - because he's a half inch too short or too tall, he's the wrong hair color, or he's just a different emotional color than the director sees as a good balance with the other actors in the scene - he will be remembered.
5. If you get a chance to do a second take, make it totally different (but not devoid of energy). Own it! A second take is your chance to wow us with your ability to change direction or levels on the drop of a dime. One actress did the scene - as though she was incredibly bored or had just smoked a bowl - and was then offered the chance to do a second take, at which point she said she would try taking it to the other end of the spectrum. We were excited, thinking we might be able to draw out something a little deeper. And then she did the scene the exact same way (save one bipolar moment of screaming, which was terrifying for those of us behind the table). A second take - especially if the auditions are running behind - is a gift. Use it to leave an impression, and own your time in the room.
6. Wear something nice, but comfortable. I don't want to be more focused on your cute shoes (or by the same token, distracted by your old jeans and worn-out tank top) than I am on your performance. Enough said on this one.
7. If you show up late and expect to be seen in ten minutes (before you need to leave for acting class or whatever), it's not cool to check how long we have the room reserved for and show up again ten minutes before we are supposed to be done. After seeing many actors and actresses, and dismissing our camera operator, the director and I were chatting about some things and getting ready to head home (for some much-needed food), an actress showed up - almost four hours after her scheduled time - to audition for us. So. Not. Cool. Unless you check with casting for a specific project, don't plan on doing this, unless you are Meryl Streep and can 100% blow us away. By that late in the day, and without the proper equipment, her audition became an inconvenience (and a chance for her to complain about also being late to acting class.. er.. ), and that's not how you want to be remembered.
8. For Pete's sake, don't run out of the audition room after you finish, like you have a train to catch or a level five disease just broke out. I would say about half of the actors we saw did this. Now, I know there is a stigma about reaching out to shake hands with the casting people, but at least square your body toward them to say thank you. Angling your body toward the door and just turning your head to say a quick and nervous "thank you" comes off as more of an apology, when you have nothing to be sorry for. If you stay facing the casting team, you can gauge whether or not they want to shake hands (which we did). Plant, smile, and say "thank you."
Hopefully, these will be a good reminder for me when I find myself back in audition situations in July and beyond. And if they can help other actors, even better. There is enough room for all of us, after all.
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