MC2 Day 10: Confidence (in the) Works

Today was the first day I began to start owning my place on this team. I mean that without inflated ego or aggression. It is simply me starting to find my light, like that shy nun in the first "Sister Act" movie. She could sing, but she really started to shine once she began to believe in that fact herself.

Since this is my first really big feature, there is definitely pressure to do some phenomenal, impressive work. As my agent told me, "just be ready when they call your name." I have always been someone to stack - make that heap - huge amounts of pressure on myself. I walked into this project telling myself, do everything you can to be noticed in a memorable way. But I am realizing that your attitude is what sells your talent the best. Let me explain.

Around the time Lupita won the Oscar this year for "Twelve Years a Slave", my friends Kenya and Kelli and I laughed at the idea of walking into auditions from that point forward, simply exclaiming, "I am Lupita!", and fist pumping the air, in an act of total confidence. It was silly, but there is something to that attitude. Gabe, who has been training me on backflips patiently, has worked with some extremely noteworthy actresses (like, people in the first few rows of seats at the awards ceremonies). He tells me that some are more physically athletic than others, but even the ones who do "just enough" get away with it because of their attitudes. Their films, and those roles, have made an impression because the actresses were absolutely committed to being badasses (with specificity, of course).

Now on set and during rehearsal, I am (and have always been) that silly, hard-working girl next door. I help put the crash pads away after we work, I ask if people need anything. The guys make fun of me at the poolside bar after our day, when I claim that mojitos and pina coladas are in the same family (they totally are!). I have fun with the people I work with. So it is difficult for me to then make that switch, when the cameras and the lights and a hundred people show up, to taking ownership of the situation. When Jennifer Lawrence walks onto set, I am sure people have a degree of respect for her, awards and recognition aside, simply from the way she carries herself. I am learning about striking that balance, about being friendly and good to work with, but then saying, "alright, I am a professional, and I'm leading this meeting." Not there yet, but it is interesting to start feeling cognizant of the need to switch gears. It's not becoming a raging diva, but it is a stepping up to the plate, at the front of a team of people fighting for your success, and confidently taking that first swing.

I believe this attitude shift will become easier with time and with practice. My martial arts moves and backflip are becoming more and more comfortable, but it takes time, and patience. A rule of thumb in fight choreography is, "fast is slow, and slow is fast." This means you have to be patient enough to start going through the motions slowly, and trust that your attention to detail and precision at a slower pace will lead to a smooth execution once you ramp up the speed. So I will think of this experience as the first lesson in attitude shifting and improve over time (which just means Hollywood will have to cast me in more films, so I can practice adequately. I'm okay with that.).

After three hours of training today, I ate lunch, worked for a bit, took a nap, talked to Kaleb, and now I am waiting in my trailer, at 12:43am on Saturday morning, waiting to shoot my first scene in a feature with dialogue. I only have two teensy sentences, but I have looked at them probably a hundred times this afternoon. This goes back to trusting yourself. I find myself saying, "you've been acting for nineteen years; you have a degree in Acting from one of the best universities in the world; you auditioned for this role and beat out celebrities for a reason." And I like to think that, if I keep telling myself these truths, then the little lies the mind makes up about being inadequate will eventually fade. After all, if you plan on confidently walking down the red carpet someday, it makes sense to start confidently walking down the sidewalk now.