As I was packing up my pads and my gear after rehearsal today, a man walked past me and sang (from Eminem's "Rap God"): "The shit I complain about. It's like there ain't a cloud in the sky, and it's raining out." And it occurred to me, that's a pretty straight-up summary of my day today.
Yesterday was terrific, sunny, and fun. It was Kaleb's birthday back in LA, which made me excited and grateful that such a great guy was born and gets to stand next to me most days. Stunt rehearsal in the morning went wonderfully, and I ate lunch with the hilarious and lovely Loni Love, whom I have the pleasure of acting with in the film. We were both tickled pink to be eating with and spending time with another female, she gave me wonderful advice about finding the holes that need to be filled in the industry, we giggled when people started staring (and a few came over to get Loni's autograph), and then we cheered when the manager said lunch was on him (he also told me he is a big fan of my work, which was a lie, but made me smile, as that might actually happen one day!). In our second stunt rehearsal, I learned from Cory and Gabe about physical precision and about shifts in fighting style, how those physical fighting changes are also part of the character. I got to take a much-needed two-hour-long nap, had the guys over to my room for Thai takeout, wine, and homemade deviled eggs, watched some of their incredible video footage for Tempest (their Parkour academy, check them out!), and got to talk to Kaleb for a few minutes (finally) to wish him a Happy 25th Birthday. It was a full day and a good one.
Then today happened, and it was not the wonderful, easy, walking-on-sunshine day. Today was what my voiceover teacher, Scott Holst, would call "Day. Of. Challenges." I slept too much, got in a decent hour of strength training at the gym, ate a big salad for lunch, and found out that the guys were ready to rehearse my fight early. So I headed over to our location, with a belly full of lamb and avocado and feta cheese, to start working on precision martial arts and backtucks. The martial arts part of things was coming along, and then we got to the gymnastics. Even though I only started working on these moves a couple of days ago, I started putting pressure on myself, demanding that I perfect this maneuver today, in order to impress the stunt team (and myself). I couldn't get it to save my life. I started getting serious, and then frustrated, and finally downright upset that I could not do what in my mind was a simple gymnastics move. I let this disappointment sit with me, let it bleed into my martial arts fight, let it disrupt my concentration and my ability to let go, which resulted in me landing a flying combination incorrectly and hurting my right leg. I found myself hobbling away from the five or six guys watching, trying to hold back tears and anger, while Cory quietly followed, told me to shake it out, walked me through a stretch, and kindly asked if I needed ice. I told him no. Moments later, when I went to get a sip of water and collect myself, I could overhear him telling two of the other stunt guys,"she's just hitting that point today, it's a lot on her."
Here's the deal: physical performance is just like acting. You can walk into an acting audition and say, "By God, I need to be - no, I must be - the BEST actor this casting director has ever seen. I can make no mistakes, or I will be shot." And that audition will be outrageously bad, you will seem stiff and unfriendly, you will want to cry in anger, and you will not book the job. Stunt work is no different. Even though this move may not be ridiculously difficult for someone who has trained in gymnastics for fifteen years, is it hard for me, after one day's worth of training? Absolutely. Is it a lot of pressure, to try to film yourself acting or doing stunts, believably? You'd better believe it. There is a reason a lot of people dream about doing this job and so few actually do. But beating yourself up is not going to help you, or your teammates. In any scenario. My debate teacher in high school told me, when I lost an important round at an acting tournament, "You get three minutes [then you move on]." I like that. There will always be days like yesterday, where everything feels perfect. There will always be days like today, where, no matter how much effort you put it, nothing feels right. But despite being sore, or tired, or injured, or scared, what people will remember you for the most is how you handled the off days. So as much as I didn't get where I necessarily wanted to be today, what is ultimately important is whether or not I let that fact define where I end up tomorrow.
Chances are I won't nail this particular move by tomorrow, or by this weekend. But I really believe I have the ability to do this move by mid June, when we shoot this particular scene. Am I scared? Of course. But I'm trying to remind myself to breathe, and to remind myself that I didn't get this far for no reason. Today is a lesson in self-worth, and in believing in your underlying talent, even when you feel like it's not there. Someone saw that spark in you and wanted to give you a chance to share it, so letting fear hold you back would be selfish and silly. Now is my time to, as Gabe put it, "get paid to just try something new". Just like the Eminem lyrics, there is nothing standing in the way of the opportunity, just made-up nonsense about personal limits and obstacles. And I'm not about to get overshadowed by my own internal complex. Tomorrow is a new day, and after a little rest and a little faith, I'll be ready to show those backtucks who Chelsea Vincent is. Might as well start there, before I show the rest of the world.
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